Mixture of Emotions

Right now I am sad that I have let myself go, that I have lost my true identity somewhere along this life I've lived so far! Where am I? Will I rise to the occasion? Will I ever conquer a hurdle or fear that is standing 10 feet in front of me? I am a quitter by nature, and I HATE that about myself! I've never once completed anything I've ever said I wanted for myself, and my biggest demon within is this damn WEIGHT ISSUE! I used to view my Mom struggle in her latter years, and used to look at her with pity & judged her by her carriage, and that was wrong of me to think the things I did...but mostly when I looked at her I thought, I NEVER want to look that way, and by golly right now I am in the same damn boat! It's no wonder my husband can't love me, I can't love myself looking & feeling the way I do! But I am so damn depressed about it, I just eat more to make me feel better in the moment...and later deal with the consequences! My weight has always been an up & down battle, but a little over 2 years ago it got worse. I started using food to mask my marital issues, the more he wanted me to be thin, and would say the hurtful things he said...I would counter act his feelings, and turn to the one thing that had my back, FOOD! Although I know he loves me for me inside, we're still battling accepting me for me on the outside...I have my own struggles & when I vocalize my realizations it later becomes leverage for him to reuse & throw in my face..."you said this", "you did that", etc...I'm consistently at battle with myself! I don't want to be this sort of role model to my daughter...I've been really rigid at making sure she eats well, so she doesn't have to walk my path, but I can't copycat her lifestyle for me. I know everything I need to do & eat to achieve weight loss, but I can't put the ocean into motion long enough to achieve any significant weight loss! I have NO accountability, NO ONE to support me & say, "I've been there, I am here for you, let's do this together..." and that's what I need. I don't know how much I have to say it, I need help & drive from others to keep me focused! I know ultimately it's my weight to lose, but I fail over and over again, and if I don't have support I binge...it's a sad life I live right now, and the more I stress about how it will take me forever to drop 80 lbs, the more inviting everything wrong for me to eat is! I figure it's not gonna make a difference anyway, what the hell! Which I know isn't true, one day, every meal at a time will SLOWLY make a difference. I want to feel healthy again, I want to be able to get in & out of the car without moving the steering wheel up so my legs don't hit...I want to have my skin be clear of acne & body acne, I want to not feel tied down to a size 18/20 pants...I want to love what I see looking back at me, and that's just not the case! Mentally I just don't know how to get my mind in the right place to achieve it...so I sit here and pray for some miracle to come down & help me!