Last Days of 2010!

Alicia posing with her baby :)

2 years old already...and is starting to look like a "little girl,"

my baby is growing up! So bitter sweet...

Big "cheesy" Smile! ...she melts my heart! :)

Taking a break to pose with all 12 of her favorite people...lol...

New Years Eve, hiding out before heading to Papa & Gama's

One of me too...since she wouldn't take a good pose with me little stinker...

Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!

Excited for New Beginnings!

Happy New Year Everyone!
   Today is the 2nd day of the New Year, and I am feeling more energized and on fire for God & my new path. I listened & was still, and realized God has been calling me...waiting & wanting my attention, and I heard it. I am starving for HIM in my heart & life. I have been munching on all human ways of life, and it's left me with a terribly upset stomach. Once I accepted that God NEEDS to be my 1st in all aspects, I have been doing much better. I realized I was looking for happiness in all the wrong places. If I turn my eyes to HIM, he will fill all the emptiness in my life. HE will open doors that I couldn't even imagine, I am so excited to get to know HIM again, and trust, and believe, and know...REALLY KNOW, I am putty in HIS hands and he will mold me and place me where HE wants me! So a little update...today Alicia & I accompanied my parents to The Bridge Church in RSM,CA...it's a "foursquare church." if you're interested in knowing more about that go to http://www.foursquarechurch.org/

 this is their mission, "The Foursquare Church exists to glorify God and advance His kingdom. Jesus Christ's command is to preach the gospel and make disciples of all nations (Mark 16:15; Matthew 28:19). Therefore, we are "Dedicated unto the cause of inter-denominational and worldwide evangelism."* These words express our spirit and our focus.

Our call is to preach Jesus Christ, God's Son, as the Savior, Baptizer with the Holy Spirit, Healer and coming King. Our assignment is to develop healthy, growing churches. Our commitment is to plant national churches around the world led by loving servants of Jesus Christ. Churches developed in this manner will reproduce again and again. This makes possible the spread of the gospel to those who have not heard or accepted the message of God's Son.

if you visit their site it talks about the meaning behind their name etc...very inviting to me. I love expanding my faith past the views of Saddleback Church. I am eternally thankful & grateful to Pastor Rick Warren, and the other Pastors that lead me to holy water, and to be saved through Jesus Christ. It will always be my home, but it's time for me to move on & experience other types of worship & fellowship on a deeper level. So speaking of "Sunday school" for Alicia...she attended the "2's & 3's" class. The teachers names were Rosie & Sean, very inviting, and Alicia took to them well. They were very understanding that Alicia had never experienced a daycare/babysitter setting, so they were flexible & open to us (the parents) staying & helping get her familiar with the setting. I was pleased. Alicia conquered larger milestones than I expected she would on her first try...she didn't cry when she saw Sean (she normally always does around men that are strangers), she willingly entered the room & wanted to play, she was okay with just Papa in there (normally she needs approval from Mommy/Grandma/Daddy/etc...too), she let me fill out paper work & never asked for me or cried, she was engaging & interacting with other kids, I was able to go into service, and no hang-ups....all HUGE steps for her, I was a proud Mommy to say the least. I do know that Papa stayed with her the whole time....but he said she played with others, and only looked back to make sure he was there, and asked for me maybe twice....so assuming we go more often maybe in 2-3 more times she will feel secure enough to enjoy Sunday School without a parent/guardian in there. Which is a HUGE deal, never thought it would go so smooth...so keeping my fingers crossed! God is showing the impossible is possible!

So as for my weight loss journey, I am reading this book by a former contestant of The Biggest Loser, Amy Parham. She wrote a book called "10 Lessons from a Former Fat Girl...Living with Less of You and More of Life." She lost 100 pounds herself, and she is passionate about maintaining a healthy lifestyle and helping me too, by paying it forward! Her can-do spirit will help me...1) identify circumstances and settings that tempt me to overeat and make adjustments. 2) use POSITIVE words & phrases to describe myself & avoid destructive thought patterns. 3) fit REGULAR exercise into my day and ENJOY lasting physical & emotional benefits. 4) take comfort from wholesome, loving relationships with God & people-not food. 5) live the fullest life possible-and reprogram the fat-girl mentality into a fit-girl reality  :)  I'm encouraged, and that's important to me...I got to start somewhere. I am also keeping a daily food journal, including cheating moments, so I can see what is making me be where I am. I am trying to incorporate more fruits & veggies as well, and cut out sugars & fatty foods...down 2 pounds...it's a start :)

Thanks for reading! If i haven't lost everyone by now, tune in soon to see how I am doing on my new journey's in the near future!

Love & Light & Laughter :D

Mixture of Emotions

Right now I am sad that I have let myself go, that I have lost my true identity somewhere along this life I've lived so far! Where am I? Will I rise to the occasion? Will I ever conquer a hurdle or fear that is standing 10 feet in front of me? I am a quitter by nature, and I HATE that about myself! I've never once completed anything I've ever said I wanted for myself, and my biggest demon within is this damn WEIGHT ISSUE! I used to view my Mom struggle in her latter years, and used to look at her with pity & judged her by her carriage, and that was wrong of me to think the things I did...but mostly when I looked at her I thought, I NEVER want to look that way, and by golly right now I am in the same damn boat! It's no wonder my husband can't love me, I can't love myself looking & feeling the way I do! But I am so damn depressed about it, I just eat more to make me feel better in the moment...and later deal with the consequences! My weight has always been an up & down battle, but a little over 2 years ago it got worse. I started using food to mask my marital issues, the more he wanted me to be thin, and would say the hurtful things he said...I would counter act his feelings, and turn to the one thing that had my back, FOOD! Although I know he loves me for me inside, we're still battling accepting me for me on the outside...I have my own struggles & when I vocalize my realizations it later becomes leverage for him to reuse & throw in my face..."you said this", "you did that", etc...I'm consistently at battle with myself! I don't want to be this sort of role model to my daughter...I've been really rigid at making sure she eats well, so she doesn't have to walk my path, but I can't copycat her lifestyle for me. I know everything I need to do & eat to achieve weight loss, but I can't put the ocean into motion long enough to achieve any significant weight loss! I have NO accountability, NO ONE to support me & say, "I've been there, I am here for you, let's do this together..." and that's what I need. I don't know how much I have to say it, I need help & drive from others to keep me focused! I know ultimately it's my weight to lose, but I fail over and over again, and if I don't have support I binge...it's a sad life I live right now, and the more I stress about how it will take me forever to drop 80 lbs, the more inviting everything wrong for me to eat is! I figure it's not gonna make a difference anyway, what the hell! Which I know isn't true, one day, every meal at a time will SLOWLY make a difference. I want to feel healthy again, I want to be able to get in & out of the car without moving the steering wheel up so my legs don't hit...I want to have my skin be clear of acne & body acne, I want to not feel tied down to a size 18/20 pants...I want to love what I see looking back at me, and that's just not the case! Mentally I just don't know how to get my mind in the right place to achieve it...so I sit here and pray for some miracle to come down & help me!

New to Blogging...

Hi,
   I don't know what to write just yet, so I am just going to let my fingers direct me....lol. I am not new to journaling. I've been writing on other networks for a while now, but I sometimes forget that myspace or facebook is VERY PUBLIC, and my wall status posts to ALL my friends & family, not just the one's I talk to regularly...so I figured to be open & free would mean opening a blog site! Then people can choose to follow me or not?? I hope they do, but I can't win over everyone! Speaking of NOT pleasing everyone, means I need to start applying that theory to my own personal life. I am always concerned with saying or doing what others feel I should do or say, and at the end of the day I NEED to be happy with me and the decisions I made for me, and my family. So about me....I love to write. My Mother begs me to be a writer, hubby says I should too,  but I don't know what to write that would sell, and actually make money? I feel that if it's the place God wants me to be, HE will reveal that "I got something..." moment, and I will know what to write when that door opens. Maybe it's yet to be written because I haven't walked it or experienced it yet? Only God knows...so my second passion is Photography. I studied it in high school, and considered attending Brooks Institute of Photography for college, but the expense scared me off...I think school in general did at that point, lol. I don't regret not going, because I know you can do or be anything if you TRY. I feel I have the natural eye, and I am considering taking some classes to brush up on my skills, and get some more tips & tricks under my belt. It couldn't hurt, only help me build a successful career....but, I have to put my dreams on hold a bit longer, because my husband is a traveling contractor, and my toddler is having a difficult time adjusting to the separation of Daddy, Papa & Gama being absent so often. I've never trusted nor left her in a daycare or babysitting setting, so now as she is 2 years of age I struggle with getting her detached, but also I know will happen in God's timing for her. We're only so innocent & little for a short while in life, so I don't mind "babying" her in a sense, because I know it will be gone sooo fast as is! So as for my photography path, I plan on investing in new equipment as our finances improve...and from there I will go as I am lead at that point. So my final hobby goes hand in hand with photography, it's Scrapbooking! LOVE LOVE LOVE to cherish memories on patterned paper with stickers, ribbon, buttons, embellishments, brads, and touching quotes & jourrnaling...I guess now that I look at it, scrapping combines ALL my loves...writing, photos, and creativity! :) That realization is exciting news :) So...that's most of what excites me from within...I also love listening to music, mainly country. I enjoy bowling, but never go much anymore. I like to shop, come on who doesn't? ;p  I like traveling & sight seeing, I love playdates, and getting together with friends too...what can I say, I just love life, and I am so eternally grateful for my life & everyone in it! God is doing amazing things in my life...shutting doors, and opening others, and without HIM we'd be nothing! Thanks for reading...tune in soon!

Love, Ash :)