Mixture of Emotions

Right now I am sad that I have let myself go, that I have lost my true identity somewhere along this life I've lived so far! Where am I? Will I rise to the occasion? Will I ever conquer a hurdle or fear that is standing 10 feet in front of me? I am a quitter by nature, and I HATE that about myself! I've never once completed anything I've ever said I wanted for myself, and my biggest demon within is this damn WEIGHT ISSUE! I used to view my Mom struggle in her latter years, and used to look at her with pity & judged her by her carriage, and that was wrong of me to think the things I did...but mostly when I looked at her I thought, I NEVER want to look that way, and by golly right now I am in the same damn boat! It's no wonder my husband can't love me, I can't love myself looking & feeling the way I do! But I am so damn depressed about it, I just eat more to make me feel better in the moment...and later deal with the consequences! My weight has always been an up & down battle, but a little over 2 years ago it got worse. I started using food to mask my marital issues, the more he wanted me to be thin, and would say the hurtful things he said...I would counter act his feelings, and turn to the one thing that had my back, FOOD! Although I know he loves me for me inside, we're still battling accepting me for me on the outside...I have my own struggles & when I vocalize my realizations it later becomes leverage for him to reuse & throw in my face..."you said this", "you did that", etc...I'm consistently at battle with myself! I don't want to be this sort of role model to my daughter...I've been really rigid at making sure she eats well, so she doesn't have to walk my path, but I can't copycat her lifestyle for me. I know everything I need to do & eat to achieve weight loss, but I can't put the ocean into motion long enough to achieve any significant weight loss! I have NO accountability, NO ONE to support me & say, "I've been there, I am here for you, let's do this together..." and that's what I need. I don't know how much I have to say it, I need help & drive from others to keep me focused! I know ultimately it's my weight to lose, but I fail over and over again, and if I don't have support I binge...it's a sad life I live right now, and the more I stress about how it will take me forever to drop 80 lbs, the more inviting everything wrong for me to eat is! I figure it's not gonna make a difference anyway, what the hell! Which I know isn't true, one day, every meal at a time will SLOWLY make a difference. I want to feel healthy again, I want to be able to get in & out of the car without moving the steering wheel up so my legs don't hit...I want to have my skin be clear of acne & body acne, I want to not feel tied down to a size 18/20 pants...I want to love what I see looking back at me, and that's just not the case! Mentally I just don't know how to get my mind in the right place to achieve it...so I sit here and pray for some miracle to come down & help me!

New to Blogging...

Hi,
   I don't know what to write just yet, so I am just going to let my fingers direct me....lol. I am not new to journaling. I've been writing on other networks for a while now, but I sometimes forget that myspace or facebook is VERY PUBLIC, and my wall status posts to ALL my friends & family, not just the one's I talk to regularly...so I figured to be open & free would mean opening a blog site! Then people can choose to follow me or not?? I hope they do, but I can't win over everyone! Speaking of NOT pleasing everyone, means I need to start applying that theory to my own personal life. I am always concerned with saying or doing what others feel I should do or say, and at the end of the day I NEED to be happy with me and the decisions I made for me, and my family. So about me....I love to write. My Mother begs me to be a writer, hubby says I should too,  but I don't know what to write that would sell, and actually make money? I feel that if it's the place God wants me to be, HE will reveal that "I got something..." moment, and I will know what to write when that door opens. Maybe it's yet to be written because I haven't walked it or experienced it yet? Only God knows...so my second passion is Photography. I studied it in high school, and considered attending Brooks Institute of Photography for college, but the expense scared me off...I think school in general did at that point, lol. I don't regret not going, because I know you can do or be anything if you TRY. I feel I have the natural eye, and I am considering taking some classes to brush up on my skills, and get some more tips & tricks under my belt. It couldn't hurt, only help me build a successful career....but, I have to put my dreams on hold a bit longer, because my husband is a traveling contractor, and my toddler is having a difficult time adjusting to the separation of Daddy, Papa & Gama being absent so often. I've never trusted nor left her in a daycare or babysitting setting, so now as she is 2 years of age I struggle with getting her detached, but also I know will happen in God's timing for her. We're only so innocent & little for a short while in life, so I don't mind "babying" her in a sense, because I know it will be gone sooo fast as is! So as for my photography path, I plan on investing in new equipment as our finances improve...and from there I will go as I am lead at that point. So my final hobby goes hand in hand with photography, it's Scrapbooking! LOVE LOVE LOVE to cherish memories on patterned paper with stickers, ribbon, buttons, embellishments, brads, and touching quotes & jourrnaling...I guess now that I look at it, scrapping combines ALL my loves...writing, photos, and creativity! :) That realization is exciting news :) So...that's most of what excites me from within...I also love listening to music, mainly country. I enjoy bowling, but never go much anymore. I like to shop, come on who doesn't? ;p  I like traveling & sight seeing, I love playdates, and getting together with friends too...what can I say, I just love life, and I am so eternally grateful for my life & everyone in it! God is doing amazing things in my life...shutting doors, and opening others, and without HIM we'd be nothing! Thanks for reading...tune in soon!

Love, Ash :)